I want to apologize to people for not sending out thank you cards yet, for not sending out the contest winners their prizes (though I haven't heard back from Connie yet...if I don't hear from her soon I will chose another name from the hat, so keep checking back!), and for not commenting in the groups lately. Life is just on overload at the moment and I feel like I'm beginning to drown! My release is stitching, and I've been doing a lot of it lately, I guess trying to escape the madness.
I did graduate from physical therapy yesterday and that will free up some of my time. Thank heavens, I was beginning to dread each session, because I felt like I was wasting everyone's time and money!! I will continue exercising, but when I choose, not at someone else's schedule. I know what to do now when my arm begins to swell, and I have a coupon at a gym in Annapolis to get some help from professionals who are trained in lymph edema, I will get over there when I get a chance. My expanders should be "full" by the next appointment next week, and that will eliminate another appointment for the time being. Now all I have to do is wait for my muscles and tissues to be expanded, and the next operation will be in the wings in about 6 months. Chemo ends on December 2nd, so things are beginning to wind down.
I wanted to write about where my head is at right now, but it's hard to put into words. I'm not sure if it's because the people around me are dealing with some tough issues and my heart is torn by their heartache, or if it's the decrease in sunshine, or if it's the letdown after my birthday, or the increase in cold weather, or the rainy days we've been having, or the fact that exhaustion is setting in, or that chemo is making me achy and forgetful, or a combination of everything, BUT I'm having a tough time right now. I haven't felt sorry for myself since this whole thing began, and I'm really not feeling sorry for myself now. I'm just tired, tired of running to appointments, tired of struggling with forgetfulness, tired of struggling to try to explain my choice of treatments to my mother (who has made her disagreement painfully known), tired of doing extracurricular things...that even though I've thoroughly enjoyed, have made me extremely tired, tired of trying to console folks who are having a tough time, tired of trying to defend my decision not to return to work right now even though I caused some of my coworkers to miss a few things they wanted to do. I just want to crawl in a shell and hide for a while.
I will ask for prayers for a few fellow warriors who are dealing with some tough issues... Beth who is having surgery today, Gail who recently lost her Mom and is having a very tough time, Jackie who had surgery two weeks ago and is having troubles dealing with it all, Terry who's cousin is slowly losing her fight with cancer which has invaded her entire body now, and Denise who moved her entire family from the east coast to the west coast to be near her own family and who is struggling through chemo that is making her very sick....she has five year old twins that she is caring for during this whole thing. My heart goes out to these ladies who are so brave in their fight against breast cancer themselves. The disease is hard enough to deal with without all these added stresses in their lives.
I attended the monthly support group meeting last night. A new "sister warrior" was there for the first time last night. She confessed to the group that she is suicidal. I can't begin to express how I felt when I heard those words. I guess I admire her for her bravery for expressing what some of us might have felt at one point or another. Part of me wanted to leave at that point. It was hard to hear, it was discouraging. I think this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm not suicidal, but I have reached a place where I feel boxed in and overwhelmed, so though I would never hurt myself, I know where she's coming from. I have felt from the beginning that others are taking their cues from me, and that I've had to put on a brave face from the beginning and had to fight hard. Maybe that's why I'm so tired. I don't know unless you've been sitting in my position if you can truly understand the fight that we face each day. A fight to decide what treatment is our best option, a fight to explain ourselves to others, a fight to defend our decisions, our fight to keep our spirits up and those of the ones nearest us, a fight not to give in to the pain and fear we are feeling, a fight to get past the fatigue and illness we feel from the drugs, a fight to get up each day and deal with more issues as they come along. When they call us warriors, I don't know if they really know how true that description is. And this warrior is tired. I know I shouldn't be, because so many of you have worked so hard to encourage me, and I really do appreciate your kindness. I guess today is a day I'm going to indulge myself and rest. I promise it won't last long.
Anyway, that's why you haven't heard from me. I tried to read all the posts in the groups I belong to, but it became too overwhelming, so I deleted most of them. I feel terrible doing that, but it was another added pressure I couldn't deal with right now. I'm going to grab my quilt the ladies made for me, wrap myself in their love and encouragement and rest, and when I'm feeling refreshed and have more energy, I'll begin to participate again. There is no need to worry, I am and will be fine, I just need to rest. I'll see you when I get back.
*Hugs*
8 comments:
Oh, DJ. My heart goes out to you. While I am not fighting that awful fight that you are I can understand the emotional struggle of trying to deal with everyone elses trauma as well as your own.
I was the sole caregiver to my Mom who was slowly leaving us. She had been ill for a while but that last year she progressed downward until she left us on Dec. 6th 2008. I held her and screamed and cryed while she took her last breath. I have 8 siblings and while they occasionally came to spend a day or two none of them answered her 1 and 2 am calls. The physical drain was tough but the emotional struggle on my part was the hardest. And with all that you are going through (I so understand about being strong for everyone else!) to have to try and comfort others it is sooooo hard.
You really need to take a day or even a few hours away from eveything. Get your nails done or maybe just a long soothing bubble bath. Do something nice for yourself. Recharge those internal batteries. It isn't easy and probably won't get easier for a while but know that here in the blogging world there are a lot of people cheering you on with healing thoughts and prayers.
Take care and get some rest. And hope to see you soon.
Love and stitches.
Prayers are on their way, particularly for you but also for the girls. Let go and let God, DJ, and if you feel low, so be it, please don't always be putting on a brave face. lots of love.
DJ here in blogging world you have many loving and caring friends who are here for you as Kathy said take time out for yourself and st**f the rest of the world for a day.......be kind to yourself we will all be here when you need us....all you have to do is scream or yell and we'll come a runnin"....big Aussie hugs to you....xoxoxoxo
I think sometimes we are led to do things without even knowing why. I was reading posts on the Wiehenburg list, came across one of yours, and landed in your blog. I am a 3-year survivor, and tho I did not go thru chemo, I had 35 radiation treatments that just whooped me! I just wanted to encourage you and send you cyber hugs {{{{{}}}}}. DO take a break for yourself at least once a week, if not more often. That is so key to your recovery. Don't be afraid to ask for help! You are struggling with a deadly cancer, for goodness sake! If people reject you, move on to others who will not and who will embrace you and help you. They are out there!! This is a life changing time for you--it sure was for me! So, take time for yourself! I have to dash to work, but I will become a follower and I will be back! HUGS!
A sort of relief just washed over me to read that you are going to rest and take care of yourself for a while. You know your sister-friends are standing in the gap, thinking, whispering, uttering, saying, shouting positive things of and for you. Cyber hugs of love are wrapped around you now...
You so deserve a time out -- a time for rest and whatever it is that will refresh you. You have been so unbelievably strong, and I know that sometimes the "strongmen" need to recoup. Take whatever time you need. We will think good thoughts even if we don't hear from you all the time. {{{{{{{{{{dj}}}}}}}}}}}
Edy
Am sending you big cyber (((hugs))) ...
Val x
Hi DJ have sent you a letter to cheer you up :)it went in the mail today :) make sure you still take that time out and chill with some stitching snuggled under the quilt ((((((HUGE HUGS))))) love mouse xxxx
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