In Remembrance...

Whew....I can't believe the end of October is in sight.  I feel like I blinked and the year flashed by in an instant.  I've been so busy I feel like I haven't caught my breath in ages.

While trying not to dwell on the negative, I just want to preface this post by saying, I'm going to get some feelings out on the screen.  It's always been cathartic for me to write.  I know a few folks have been wondering where I've been.  I will say I've had a hard time dealing with being around other people.  I don't think it's unusual for some people to grieve this way.  I may have hurt some feelings along the way, and that was never my intention.  I'm actually shaking my head that I did, I didn't really think by hiding away that anyone would miss me or misinterpret my actions.  I swear on a stack of Bibles that I wasn't avoiding any one person in particular, that it was nothing personal against anyone, and that sometimes I become a hermit when I don't know how to cope with my feelings.  It's me, that's the way I am, and I guess if you want to take it personally, that's your problem, not mine.

I have to apologize to folks who have stopped by and left messages.  I've been trying to keep up but it's nearly impossible.  Let me back up and say that the last few months of 2017 and all that has transpired this year were the worst of my life.  With all that went on with Dear Katie, and the aftermath of her passing, then my Mother being in and out of the hospital, and trips to NY, with a few vacations thrown in and then getting ready for a retreat that required a TON of stitching and planning, my life has been one giant hamster wheel with me running at top speed and not getting anywhere.  I guess, in a way, it was good to keep busy, but I'm bone weary and mentally exhausted.  It's been barely a year since we lost Katie, and I think I threw myself headlong into projects that kept me away from other people and from thinking about all that went on.  I can't and won't talk about the issues that went on during that time, just know there was a lot to deal with and I had to shove a lot of anger and other emotions down deep so I didn't hurt other people who were grieving too.  Watching what my son went through afterward was difficult for this Mom to see, feeling so helpless that I couldn't protect him from the hurt he was feeling and the hurt others were inflicting on him.  I tried talking to friends, but they just didn't understand because they have never been through it themselves, so I gave up.  Perhaps it's selfish, but I couldn't deal with anyone else's problems while dealing with all this too.  It's possible I looked unsympathetic, but you have to understand I was deep in a fog of grief and anguish.  I tried so hard not to show it, and obviously I succeeded because someone even said, "I know you are doing ok, but how are Mike and Ben coping."  I think my jaw must have hit the floor, I can't even remember how I replied.  Word of caution, never say that to someone who just lost a loved one.  I remember going home and crying for the rest of the day.

Last weekend was the anniversary of Katie's passing.  She left us the day after my birthday so it's a date we will always remember.  In honor of her, we participated in a 5K event at the Baltimore Runfest that we raised funds for Cystic Fibrosis.  I carried a little Winston on my wristband that I wear in honor of Katie.  Winston is a puppet that Mike had that he used to tease Katie with and I had a smaller version of him with a clip.   It was a personal challenge for me to do this and she was never far from my thoughts while I was walking.  I'm thrilled I could finish it to honor her.  Mike took his medal and left it at Katie's resting place.  It's kind of poetic that this last year has felt like a race, a challenge, an obstacle we had to endure and a fitting end to our year of remembrance for Katie.  Sadly we had been invited to TWO weddings that weekend.  One in Florida, the other in Colorado.  One a family member, the other a friend's son...a friend I've know for 40 years.  I'm so sad I had to miss their weddings and those happy occasions.  

I've finally come up for air.  I feel like I can breathe a little bit.  And I've been trying to reconnect with friends.  Funny how much can change in a year.  So...I'm grateful to those who stuck around and have been supportive.  I'm grieving now the loss of others I thought were friends but I now see are not.  It's like waking up from a dream and finding the world has tilted on it's axis and everything looks different.  I'll try to keep up with emails, and commenting on blogs, and life will continue.  Thank you to the ones who have stuck around!  I'm indebted.

Now back to our scheduled stitching.  I promise I won't have a "downer" post next time.  Thanks for reading.