Monday, March 8, 2010

You have to laugh...

It must be the lack of sleep, or just the absurd nature of today, but I'm going to add this post of today's adventure. After all, laughter is the best medicine...

How I HATE getting mammograms! If there was ever a time in my life I wish I weren't so "well endowed" it would be now! (It ranks right up there with the time I stopped taking accordion lessons when I hit puberty!) I swear the machines they use must have been invented by male terrorist interrogators. I think I would rather be water boarded than to go through the experience I had today. Even now - nearly 12 hours later - I am STILL sore! Some of the conversation today when something like this:

Ok, now I want you to drop your left shoulder - lean forward, NO - don't go up on your tip toes! Drop your shoulder - suck your tummy in - hold your "sister" with the other hand, tip you head back, look over my shoulder - OK Now I'm going to just press this down a bit... a little bit more... Oh, you're eyes haven't started watering yet it must not be squished enough...just a wee bit more - BINGO - your eyes are crossed at just the right angle. OK DON'T MOVE (honey, you have one of my sisters in captivity, I couldn't move if my life depended on it!) Now, take a deep breath (HOW??? I can't suck my tummy in and take a deep breath at the same time ARE YOU KIDDING ME???) What seems like 5 minutes later the machine releases and I'm able to drag my poor bruised TaTa off the machine. I let go and it feels like it hangs 3 inches closer to my waistline than it used to! After 3 more such torture sessions I'm led to a waiting room where I sit cradling my now stretched and sensitive "sisters" while I watch a couple argue whether the child she bore is indeed her husband's on the Jerry Springer show at a volume loud enough to be heard two counties away. Lovely!

After 20 minutes I hear my name called again. I drag my feet as I head back to the "torture chamber" trying to recall the recent sins I might have committed that would be causing the type of retribution I must now endure. Whispering pleas of forgiveness I face the machine responsible for the pain I'm experiencing.

"I'm sorry, the Doctor would like some views from a different angle. I know this is going to feel awkward but...I want you to bend at the waist, lean forward, tip your shoulder back, turn your chin sideways, I'm just going to press you flat this way, then twist your nipple that way. Oh Dear! Now that didn't hurt did it? Here we go, I'm going to press a little bit, a little bit more, just a taaaaaad bit more OH MY, did you HEAR that? It sounded like a balloon burst!?!" (She didn't say that last little bit, but it sure felt like that might happen!!)

Again I'm sent to the waiting room where I'm forced to listen to a man share his story of pain and agony during a recent mugging. All I can think is he should be experiencing my "mugging" and see if it compares at all!

Next I'm ushered to a quiet dark room while I'm told to lie down, twist my hips to the right while I tip my shoulder to the left with my arm up over my head. (Who thinks up these positions I ask you????) I'm plastered from chin to navel with COLD slimy goop. A machine roams over every square inch of my chest as well as my underarms while they take a sonogram. It wouldn't feel so bad if the weren't so sore from the recent squishing they just endured! With today's modern technology at airports where they can find weapons of mass destruction underneath clothing in crevices that never see the light of day you would think they could create a more comfortable way of exploring the female mammary glands. And they wonder why women are so reluctant to get mammograms!?!?!

After all that I'm being sent for biopsies...within a week... and the recommendation to have another torture session...I mean check-up...in 6 months. Heaven help me!

6 comments:

Tammy said...

oh I am not looking forward to getting that test done when I get older

sonya said...

Thank you for comforting me. It was a relief to read not only that you had a much deserved mental health day today, but that you could reflect on the days happenings with such light hearted humor. I would like the same attititude that you have daily...laughing sure relieves the stress. It brightened my day to see you today and to read your blog entry. Know you are loved and prayed for by many.

Amy said...

Oh I feel for you. I am rather flat chested, so they have to put it extra tight in order to get enough boob to take pictures of. LOL

My Mom had breast ca and two of my sisters have lumps and fibers. So I had to start getting Mammos at 37. The first time I was so scared. But the hospital I use to go to has a digital machine and it is easier and faster.

My prayer are with you and your family. God bless.

Kathy said...

Oh my. Let me catch my breath. Wait the hysterical laughter is almost over. breathe. Take a deep breath.

I am hurting with you. Been there done that. And just wait for the biopsy!! (He he he. in an evil chuckle)

Let me describe mine. They spotted a very small speck on the mammo. Okay. let's do a new type of biopsy. Lie on a table. On your stomach with your boobs hanging down a cut out hole in the table. Next they give you a shot of novacaine and I kept telling them that that stuff does not work on me. Would they listen. Heck no. Then they clamp my poor boob between two plates. By computer imaging they will shoot this needle (harpoon looking device) into the spot and presto biopsy. Well they do but I'm not numb!! Novacaine does not work on me I tell you. The doctor and two nurses had to jump on me to keep me from ripping my boob off and jumping off the table. I swear they heard me scream two states away! They did say they were sorry for not listening to me. Hah!

And after all that it was benign. :)

Thank you for the commentary!

Jo said...

Sounds like a typical 'if it was a mans we'd have found another way to test' situation doesn't it, they can scan bones, babies and bombs but not boobs!! Hope everything goes ok with the biopsy. I'm pretty lucky now as thanks to feeding my 3 kids my boobs have gone so flat if I found a lump I'd need a bra!

Babs said...

I laughed so hard when I read this, but didn't post then. Thanks for the painful chuckle and for always commenting on my blog. Come on over there and hopefully there is an award for you.
hugs and thanks,
babs